The Official Joke Thread...

[Chichio]

I decided to make this, this place needs some fun. So lets tell jokes each other, I will start....

The Russian army made a camp by the Finnish border line. After all was ready, the General heard someone shouting behind a rock: One Finn is as strong as 10 Russian. The general thought a while and called ten Russian soldiers and said go beat him up. Time passed, no one came back. Suddenly the general heard the same voice shouting: One Finn is as strong as 100 Russian. The general thought again, and called 100 Russian to him and said: Go show him who beats whom. Time passed, but no one came back. The general started wondering, but then suddenly the generald heard the same voice shouting: One Finn is as strong as 10......1000 Russian. Now the general was really mad and called 1000 Russians to him and said: Go beat him up. After a while a half dead Russian soldier came back and said: General, general....we have been lied....there were two Finns.....and died that soldier died.

I hope no one sees this as offensive. And now it is your turn, tell mroe jokes. All jokes you know.

[Svenddv]

Nuthin to do aye? (i tell a couple just cuz its u ;))

#1 Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.

#2 The difference between a divorce and a circumcision is... in a divorce you get rid of the whole sh*t (i dont wanna be rude so i censor :D)

#3 What did the blonde customer say after reading the boosemed waitress' nametag?
"'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''

#4 A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him.

[Svenddv]

here is another one: (i really dont care much about HW to but i was actually joking ;))

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.

The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

[LordThyMaster]

A man walks into a bar and see a small man playing a piano. The man goes up to the bar and asks "What's with the piano?". So the bartender pull's a lamp from under the bar, and hands it to the man. The man rubs the lamp, and hundreds and hundreds of duck flock into the bar. And the man says "What'swith the ducks? I wanted a million bucks!"; and that when the bartender said "And what? You thought I wanted a 12 inch pianist?".

[Svenddv]

this one is also a mature joke : (nasty i think.. and pretty old)
3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a naked chick. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower. So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesnt ring. The woman nods.
"Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."
"Ding-ding!"

[Svenddv]

yeah that one was good to (note: u can call me Sven, everybody can! ;))
heres another i just heard:

Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."

An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."

The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."

The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"

[Svenddv]

hah :D that one was good..
(also if u want to know more about that bet.. http://www.hongfire.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21933&page=3&pp=10 i just answered ;))
here is another one (im actually asking some friends who are around to help me thinking up some jokes :p)

Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do.

Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said," Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!"

[Svenddv]

Yeah i know some but the jokes are just not funny in english (its a real dutch thing :p)
so here's 3 new one's :

- How many Osamas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They don't have lightbulbs in caves.

- The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell. Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door. The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms. The priest asks him, "How can you ring the bell?" The man said, "Let me show you." They went up to the bell and the man started hitting the bell with his head. The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, then he goes flying through the window. Two more priests come running and ask, "What happened? Who was that?" The second man said, "I don't know but that face sure rings a bell."

- A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.
The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?
"I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''

[HyG07]

All rite.. I have one here but it's for adults, not for underaged.. :P

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings! She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her. By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?" The fireman says, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."

[Svenddv]

my turn again.. :D
this one was good yeah :p

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go camping for the weekend. The brunette brings food so they can eat, the red head brings water so they can drink and the blonde brings a car door, so if she gets hot she can roll down a window.

[HyG07]

Here's another one.. :D

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

[HyG07]

Mah turn..

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that." So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed.

The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

:D:D:D

[HyG07]

Here's a joke on blondes... :)

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[Svenddv]

time for more jokes.. yeey!

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.

another one:

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.

"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.

"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"

"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

[Svenddv]

*yuch, that was nasty :p*

here is another one.. (this is getting hard :D)

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing his crotch, and the teacher asked,

[Svenddv]

haha that was good..
maybe we should advertise this thread :p!

#1 A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

"How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

"Hiking?"

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

#2 A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

#3 What's the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologist?
One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.

man.. im really running dry here.. need some fresh meat :p

[HyG07]

Yea.. we need more ppl here...
Here's one that I just remember.. :D

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[Svenddv]

okey.. (still thinking about advertising this thread in his signature to get more meat :p)

A ship captain always asks for his red shirt when he sights a pirate ship, and he always wins in battle against them. His first mate asks him why he always wants the red shirt and the captain replies, ''Because if I get wounded, you won't see the blood and you'll keep on fighting.'' The next day, a whole fleet of pirate ships attack and the first mate says, ''Give me my brown pants!''

[Svenddv]

wooo! we arent stopping now! :p

-Why are blonde jokes so short?
So that brunettes can remember them.

-What did the dick say to the condom?
Cover me -- I'm going in.

- What is the difference between a woman a pool table?
On the pool table, you put the balls in the hole and the stick stays out.

Im not discrimenating any females here :p they are all welcome to join :D

[Svenddv]

hahah :p that was great! :D

im not gonna pull an allnighter.. :( more pc-repairing thingies tomorrow..

but heres a couple more jokes :D

-Why can't Chinese couples have white babies?
Because two Wongs don't make a white!

-Who made the first soft drink?
Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop

- How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday!

i'm having tons of fun here with my friends.. (they keep saying jokes..:p)

[Sydous]

(sneak into a AA meeting and say)

Hello, my name is (blank)
I like cheese and im lactose intolerant...... pfffffft!

[Svenddv]

yeey! im done for today (repaired about 2 pc's :D) and now im home.. gonna start todays joke-thread with this one :

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn''''t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

[Svenddv]

So we continue.. ( to bad no one else responded :o)

-What's the perfect break-up present to send someone for Valentine's Day?
A copy of "Sex for Dummies."

-At the basketball game why did the blonde say, ''I stopped aging!''
Because the clock stopped.

- What do you get when you cross a fortune teller with a prostitute?
Your whoroscope!

some small ones i discussed today at pc-repairing school :p

[Svenddv]

:confused: i didnt delete my post! it was the server-clock again.. its screwed up :p

-Why did the chicken cross the road?
Cause he freakin' felt like it! :p

-A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

:p!

[HyG07]

Here's something on corporate lingo. :D

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you+-

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:

We have no quality control.

[Igr]

One night thief get in the house and start stealing things. And suddenly hear a voice:
"Jesus see you!"
Thief in panic turning around, and sees a parrot.'Did you said that?" he asks.
"Yes. Just wanted to warn you".
Thief, calming: "Warn, heh...What's your name?"
"Moisey"
"Haha! And who is that idiot who calling a parrot Moisey?"
"Same idiot who calling a wolfhound Jesus!"

[Svenddv]

that one was nice :p.. this thread seems kinda dead.. maybe some new life blown into it might ressurect it :D

My Joke of the Day :
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so.

[Svenddv]

First of all, you sig is too big. 700x150 is only allowed.

Okey, a short joke this time....

The cheff doctor says to the apprentice doctor, " You should really learn to use the death report better, so far all patient under you who have died, you put as the reason for death your name"

And as that was so small, another one....

What is red and only getting smaller and smaller?

A baby who plays with a razor...

... its 652 :cool: only.. the height is 252.. :eek:

another joke :
All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to never ever pick up hitchhikers. Ol' Freddy was high-ballin' down the highway and saw an unbelievably stunning blonde hitch-hiking. Thinking with the wrong head, he pulled over and picked her up. Travelling down the highway, she leaned forward and looked in the rearview mirror.

"You have a flat back there on the trailer," she said. Freddy pulled over, went back to have a look. While he was back there, the blonde slid over and drove off. Freddy was now pissed off. Soon, a motorcycle gang pulled up, beat the crap out of him and left Freddy naked and broke. Another Red Ball Express driver saw Fred and recognized him.

"Fred, you okay?" he asked. Fred told him the entire story.

"Oh, Fred," said the driver, unzipping his pants. "This just isn't your day."

(edit: changed it.. now its 600x125 :D have fun :p)

[dots]

Capitalist system- work by earning their money and keep their own money

communist system - earn your own money and the government will keep it for u

Swiss system - make the capitalist and communist earn money and they will keep it for them

[Mai Tokiha]

The doc told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

---

A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mommy, what are you doing?" She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out." The boy replied, "Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"

---

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" "I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!" Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all." Madge says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"

---

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

---

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it, rub-it!

---

What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

---

What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

[ChibiFirli]

I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.

[virtual_mage]

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

[flz9636]

Well, since I'm bored and have nothing to do I'm making a Joke thread. If you guys ahve anyother joke feel feel to post them :D .

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between

[Fanin]

Try posting in here: http://www.hongfire.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21939

[flz9636]

Friendship among women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she
s lept over at a friends house.
The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among men:
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he
slapt over at a friends house.
The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over
and 2 claim he's still there.
************************************************** ********

A boy comes home from school and his mother asks him how his day was.

The boy says to his mother "well i guess it was good, i had sex with my english teacher". The mother immediately scolded the boy and sent him to his room.

Later on that evening the father came home and the mother told him what the son had said. The father told the mother he would go up and talk to the boy.

The father walked into the boys room ans said "son your mother told me you had sex with your teacher". The son replied with a nod.

The father than pumped his fast in the air and said "thats great son, tomorrow im gonna take you out and buy you a new bike, your a man now."

The son replied "thats nice of you dad, but can i have a football instead because my ass is killing me"
************************************************** ***

A guy comes over to visit his handicap friend.
The Handicap guy wants to wear a different pair of shoes, so he asks his friend to get them for him.
Handicap: "They are upstairs, to the left before my room"

Friend runs upstairs, spots the handicaps daughter and friend and says to the girls "Your father sent me upstairs to have sex with you both"

Girls: "No way, I dont believe you"

Friend: "Here, let me ask your dad."

Friend Yells: "Both of them?"

Handicap: "Yes Both of them."

[flz9636]

ooop sorry guess i didnt search really hard.... can i still post on this thread??? that thread is kindna old :p

[flz9636]

A 12 year old girl comes home from school and asks her mom, "Mom, is it true that babies come from where boys put their penises?"

A little shocked the mother replies, "Yes dear, that's right." (She's thinking..."now that she's learned that in school, it's one less awkward talk for me to have with her...")

The little girl says, "In that case, I don't think I'm ever gonna have kids."

"Why not?"

"Well, when the baby comes out I'm afraid it will break my jaw."
************************************************** *********
Friendship is like pissing in your pants.
Everyone can see it but, only you can feel its true warmth.
So thank you for being the piss in my pants.
************************************************** *********
A good friend will come bail you out of jail...................

but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,

Damn we ****ed up!!!!."
************************************************** *******
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex again?"
The doctor replies, "I think you should wait until he's at least 14."

[flz9636]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks.
Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
************************************************** ********
A Scottsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar talking about what they got their wives for xmas. The Scottsman says "I got my lass a mink coat and pearl earings. If she doesn't like the coat, she can have the earings." The Englishman says "I got my wife a new car and a diamond braclet. If she doesn't like the car, she can have the braclet." So they both look at the Irishman and ask what he got his wife for xmas. So he says" I got my wife a diamond necklace and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the necklace she can go **** herself."
************************************************** ***********
A man walks into a bar and sit's down at the bar. On the counter there is a jar full of $50 bills. He turns to the bar tender and asks "What's with all the $50 bills." The bar tender says. "It's a bet, you have to knock out the bouncer with one punch, go in the back room at pull the sore tooth out of the cow's mouth, then go upstairs and make out with the 90 year old nympho until she passes out."

The man knowing that he can not know out the bouncer declines. So he begins drinking and ends up drunked. He reaches in his pocket, pulls out a $50 bill and slams it into the jar. He walks over the bouncer and knocks him out with a single punch. He thens go into the back room. He is in there for quite while and alot of commotion is heard. After about 20 minutes the room goes silent and the man walks out and says "ok.....now where's the 90 year old with a sore tooth."

[Zapper216]

man thos r funny

[NvadrApple]

How do you drown a blond?
--Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.


A redhead, brunette and blond were running from the police. Each jumped into a barrell. The police went and kicked the first barrell and the redhead said, "Meow." Satisfied that there was just a cat in there, the policeman kicked the next barrell. The brunette called out "Bark, bark." Convinced that there was just a dog in that barrell, the man kicked the last barrell.
"poTAtoes..."

--------------------
A woman went to her priest and asked for his advice. She was embarrassed that everytime she went to church her husband fell asleep during the sermon. The priest told her that he would make a special signal when her husband falls asleep, and that she should poke him to wake him up. She happily agreed.

Well, Sunday came and the priest started his sermon. It wasn't very long and the woman saw the signal. She prodded her husband in the arm just as the priest said, "Who is our savior?" Startled, the husband called out, "JESUS!"

Some more time passed and the woman saw the signal again. She jabbed at her husband just as the priest said, "Who should we sing praise to?" Enraged, the husband called out, "GOD!"

Now, after a few minutes the woman thought she saw the signal and she poked her husband again. The priest asked the congregation, "What did Eve say to Adam after having their 100th child?" The man turned to his wife and said, "If you poke me with that thing one more time I'm going to break it off!"

[DarkDweller]

LOL , thats some good stuff ok here's one(blonds dont feel offended please)

HOw do you teach a blond math's

First you add a bed then subtract the clothes
then devide the legs put in your square root and hope she doesn't multiply

[Leechasd]

There are 3 hawt witches and 3 horny men. The first witch touched the first mans penis with her hands. It melts. The second which goes up to the 2nd man and touched his penis. It melts. The third and final witch goes up to the last man and touches his penis. Nothing happens.... The man looks up to the witch and says "It melts in your mouth, not your hands" (Refers to Smarties)

[Cellsaga]

Here's one i heard a while ago.....
A fly hovers five inches over the surface of a lake. A fish notices the fly because if the fly drops five inches then it can get the fly. A bear notices the fish because if the fly drops five inches, it will get the fish. A hunter notices the bear because if the fly drops five inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, and the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear

[DarkDweller]

Marketing Definitions:

People have asked for me an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." --That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." --That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." -- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Technical Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" -- That's Spam

[HyG07]

Ermm... time for some jokes....


A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells,

[Draco888]

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took
the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The
man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
only to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun
is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the
chair."
MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
:D:D



=>This is why I both adore and fear strong woman :D

[NvadrApple]

One day a pirate with a steering wheel down his pants walks into a bar. The confused bartender asks him "Sir, why do you have a steering wheel down your pants?" The pirate responds "Argh. It drives me nuts!"

[pyrodoxis]

Hilarious, just hilarious :D
here's one (copy+paste nooooo :D):
A man goes into a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes one out, points out the window and says:
"This baby is so good, you can see right into my house on that hill way over there." The man looks through the sight at the house and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the assistant.
"Well, I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house," replies the customer. Snatching the 'scope back, the assistant cranes his eye through the sight and sure enough, there is his wife, naked, being hotly pursued by an excited young man.
Furious, the assistant says to the man, "If I give you two bullets, will you blow my wife's head off with one and take the man's dick out with the other? I'll give you the telescopic sight for free if you do." "Okay," the man says, as he takes out his rifle and attacks the sight. Taking a quick look through it before loading, he hands one bullet back.
"You know what?" he says. "I think I can do this with just one shot."

[NvadrApple]

Two hunters are walking through a field and come upon a body lying on the ground. One of them whips out his cell phone and dials the police. "Hello? There's this man lying here in a field and I think he's dead!" The police told him to make sure the man was dead. "Well, okay." the man responded as he cocked his gun and shot the man in the head. "Now what?"

[Ryu Kojiro]

If only men would listen. :p
Good joke HyG07 ;)
And good joke Draco888 ;)

How do you keep a blonde busy? Put her in a circular room and tell her to pee in the corner.

That was short so here's another

A blonde and a brunette jump off of a building at the same time, which one hits the ground first?

The brunette... The blonde had to stop and ask for directions :P

[Rrave]

Three Feelings

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
virus

Daddy? How did I come into this world?
"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way. "
" So why not today? Please! "
" OK, but listen carefully".
Mom and Dad met each other in a cybercafe.
In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom.
Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick.
When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall.
Since it was too late to cancel or delete,
nine months later we ended up with a virus.

[l337godd3ss]

A woman walks in to a local pharmacy, and asks to purchase some cyanide.

The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

[ZtEEl]

Here comes a long one.

There was a man who was really fond of beans. The only problem was that his stomach became terribly unstable after eating beans, and because of this he didn't have much luck with the ladies. One day, however, he met a girl that he loved so much that he would even give up beans for her sake. Then got married and was very happy together. However one day, it happned to be his birthday, when he was driving home from work the car hit a hedgehog and the tire got flat. Luckily for him there was a gas station nearby, where they could fix the tire in an hour. Next to the station was a restaurant from which the smell of beans were reached his nose. He thought that if he ate some now, the gases would have gone when he got home. He went in and took a large plate of beans and really enyojed himself. The car got fixed up and he drove away home. His wife meets him in the door to the apartment and tells him that she's got a suprise for him and ties a blindfold over his eyes, then she leads him to the table and he sits down. Then the phone rings and she goes out to the kitchen to answer.
The man suddenly feels that the beans have made their impact. He really needs to let some gases out. He thinks that his wife won't be back for a while some he lets out a really long one. The stench is incredible. However he still feels that there's more and lets out an even bigger one. He stands up and start waving his arms to get rid of the smell. It disappear just in time before his wife comes back. She then removes his blindfold and reveal the suprise. They have both of her parents and all of her siblings as guests sitting around the table.

[l337godd3ss]

I've got another one! (censored to protect the innocent)

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest steps up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He misses the ball entirely and said, "Godda---t, I missed." The Sister stared at the priest in shock,

[NewWorld]

Here is a pretty perverted one:
Why did Osama kill his wife?
Because when he took off his wife's pantie, he saw Bush.

[Rrave]

The blonde and the lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated,
says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This
catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the
lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes
up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The
lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no
answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and
hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back
to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to
sleep. SCARF!"

[NewWorld]

Another preverted one...
One day, Miss Molly (a teacher) asked her students, "When you go to heaven, which part of your body goes to heaven first?" Wilson (a student) immediatly raises his hand and said, "The feet" Miss Molly asked him why and he said, "Because last week, I saw my mommy laying on the bed, with her feets in the air saying 'Oh God! Oh God!!! I'm Coming!!!!!' "

[Karis Fra Mauro]

Ah, how about a nice obscure one to impress all your friends from the Victorian era... What's the difference between Prussia and other countries? Other countries are nations that have their own army. Prussia is an army that has it's own nation.

[Sarutan]

take this joke....
A teacher asking his class *while he's standing*
"anyone who feels him self a stupid, please standup"
then one of the student stood, then the teacher ask him "why do you standup? do you feel your self a stupid?"
the student: "No, it just unfair to be you the only stupid here"

[Ether]

this thread is a place where we can all share a quiet little chuckle, or if you prefer, sonicbooming laughter. Share jokes! *and please, no yo momma jokes* :P


Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

[cullju]

that's a great joke.
i don't know if you would like this joke but it's the only one i can think of now.

Little Jonny went up to his father and asked "daddy why do chooks lay on there back
with there legs in the air when they die".
His father's reply was"oh well that is so that god can reach down and pull them up to
heavan".
Two days later when little Jonny's father got home from work little Jonny went running to him and said"daddy, daddy mummy was on her back with her legs in the air screaming 'Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!' lucky uncle Bill was there to hold her down".

[NewWorld]

Isn't this thread the same as this http://www.hongfire.com/forum/showthread.php?p=426422#post426422 thread?

[CherryMilkman]

Isn't this thread the same as this http://www.hongfire.com/forum/showthread.php?p=426422#post426422 thread?
thats right...
once its day a mod will come and lock this......

[Ether]

Isn't this thread the same as this http://www.hongfire.com/forum/showthread.php?p=426422#post426422 thread?
yeah, well, that thread is kinda dead XP, jus tryin to revive it another way. More jokes!

[zz2tommy]

hmmmm, okay here goes.
so this girl goes to the local pharmacy to get birth control pills. she goes to the counter and asks the guy"can i get bigger birth control pills?". the guy goes "dont you mean stronger birth control pills?"and she goes "no, i need bigger ones because they keep fallin out" XP

another one: how do you make a mentally challenged person commit suicide?
put a knife in their hand and ask them whos special.

how do nursery homes keep the old guys from rolling out of bed in their sleep?
they give them Viagra

theres two guys walkin down a street, one of them yells to hte other one "look at that dog with one eye!"
the other guy covers one eye and goes "where?!"

theres two guys walkin through a forest, one guy goes "look at that dead bird!"
the other guy looks UP and says "where!?"

i dunno if this ones a little inappropriate but: what do you call a black person who flies planes for a living?
...............a pilot! you racist!

[Ether]

excerpt from diary : I want to die how my grandfather died. He was all peaceful, sleeping, and quiet, unlike those terribly noisey people in his car.

[cullju]

some of you have probably heard this joke.
i don't want to offend any micheal jackson fans.
i am not one of them

"how do you know when it is be time at Micheal Jacksons house?
when the big hand touches the little hand".

[NvadrApple]

Okay! For all you music fans, I present music jokes!!!
Note: In case no one knows, viola jokes are like blond jokes, because if someone can't play the violin they sometimes will play the viola instead, so people like to say that viola players are stupid. :p

---------------------

Q. How can you tell if there is a trombonists' child playing in the park?
A. Because he can't swing and is afraid to use the slide.

---------------------

One day a last chair viola player in a small town orchestra found a magic lamp on his chair, and he rubbed it. The genie told him he could have four wishes. "Then I want to be a better viola player." he said and POOF! he was first chair in his small town orchestra. "I want to be a better player!" he yelled and POOF! he was first chair viola player in the New York orchestra. "DUDE! This is awesome! I want to be better!" and POOF! he was first chair viola player in the London orchestra. "AWESOME!" he yelled. "But I want to be and even BETTER player!" and POOF!

He was a last chair violin player in a small town orchestra.


---------------------

One day, a conductor tired of a student's horrible behavior and playing, told him, "If you don't shape up I'm going to have to give you two sticks and make you a percussionist!" And a percussionist looked at the conductor and said, "Yeah, and if he's really bad, we can take one stick away and make him a conductor."

[zz2tommy]

hmm....
how did pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
............his hand caught on fire XP

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How

[Cellsaga]

Well heres one about italians

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said one of the men. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi."

[Soul of Sword]

One man is helping his wife buy bra .
Shopkeeper : What is ur wife's size ?
Man : Erm ...i dunno actually ...=.= ;
Shopkeeper : hm , maybe i could help u by comparing to something ..
Man : Good idea !
Shopkeeper: Water melon ? ?
Man : No . Smaller .
Shopkeeper : Coconut ?
Man : Smaller.
Shopkeeper : Orange ?
Man : smaller .
Shopkeeper : egg ?
Man : Yesss!
[ After 1 min the shopkeeper comes out with a bra with her ]
Man : er sorry i mean fried egg ....




=.= ; ........

[zz2tommy]

im sure theres already a joke thread, plz refrain from posting redundant threads :D

[Soul of Sword]

Late in night , a couple chatting on the beach .
Suddenly the man cannot hold it anymore and start molests the woman.
Woman : Oh , please don't touch me !
Woman : Oh , please don't touch !
Woman : Oh, please don't !
Woman : Oh, please do !
Woman : Oh, please !
Woman : Oh ~~~~~~!



^^"""

[skelth]

ok first one was ok .....second one was just soooo random

[BOiNG!]

http://img257.imageshack.us/img257/4812/entrance039bn.jpg
Several threads have been merged with this existing topic.
Please search first before making another redundant thread.

[charliemurphy]

what do eating pussy and the mafia have in common?

one slip of the tongue and your in a world of shit!

[yansan]

Here are two from my English Teacher in high school

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm, the bartender then says "What's with the pig under your arm." The woman replies "This sir is a duck, not a pig". To which the bartender says "I was talkin to the duck."

There once was a blind rabbit and a blind snake. Tired from not knowing what they were, the two decide to help each other by describing how the other felt. The snake tells the rabbit, " Let me see, you have a small furry tail, long ears, and buck teeth, you must be a rabbit." The rabbit now begins to describe the snake, "you have beady eyes, a forked tongue, slimy skin, and no balls, you must be a frenchman."

[Rrave]

The Talking Triplets

Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.

In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.

The first baby says "I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here".

The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here".

And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off".

[littletony]

This has actually been said by a National soccer coach! But it has a bit racism in it. It's not that serious though

After a match between Norway and a team from Africa -I think-, Norway lost against them. The Norwegian coach, Ivar Hoff, was depressed over the loss. The African coach came to him in order to cheer him up, so he said: "Cheer up, mate! Everyone can have a white day"

[Boo]

The greatest joke ever told! :D (http://images.southparkstudios.com/media/sounds/606/606_WHATATERRIFICAUDIENCE.wav)

[IndigoLily]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Beacause it couldn't resist the temptation of the dark side.
(Or the naughty version: Because it was looking for cock...)

What do you call a fortune teller who is four feet tall and has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

A married couple had a very lively son, in fact, he was so lively that they couldn't get any privacy while he was at home, making it very hard for them to have any "fun" during the weekends. To solve this problem, they had started telling their son to go out on the balcony and "keep watch" when they wanted to make love.
One such time, when the boy was out on the balcony, they said to him to stand there and tell them what was happening.
"There is a firetruck driving down the street, an old lady is walking her dog and the neighbors are having sex." The boy said.
The pair where quite distracted by this comment, and the mother asked "How do you know that?"
"Their son is standing out on the balcony as well."

[Takumi01]

The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"


oh sven that is the truth

[jinjin]

Three bulls, one large, one medium, and one small, were standing in the pasture and had just heard a rumor that the farmer had just bought a new, larger bull.

The largest of the three said, "Well, he ain't getting none of my cows."

The medium bull said, "He ain't getting none of my cows."

The little bull said, "Well, if he ain't getting any of your's, them he sure as hell ain't getting one of mine."

Two days later, a semi pulls into the yard, and they unload the new bull. He's big and pissed from having been cooped up for the long journey. When the three bulls see him, the biggest bull says, "He can have my cows," the medium bull says, "He can have mine, too." The littlest bull, however, begins to paw the ground, snort and bellow, and basically carry on.

"What's with you?" the other two asked. "I'm just showing him I ain't a cow!" answered he.

------------------------------

A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.

The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully. After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion... Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

------------------------------

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

------------------------------

4 surgeons were in the doctors lounge talking.

The first one said," I like operating on librarians because when you open them up, their parts are alphebetized." The second one said," I prefer working on Accountants because you open them up, and everything is numbered." The third Surgeon said," I really like operating on mechanics because they understand if you have parts left over."

The Fourth said," I like working on Lawyers." everone else asked why?.

He said, " You open them up, and you find they are spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangable!"

-------------------------------

A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground!", said the youngest daughter.

[Mevan]

3 guys have a sleep over and due to the lack of space all share a bed.
In the morning when they wake up the guy on the left side of the bed says to the other two "OMG, i had the best dream, i dreamt somone was... pulling me off and.. i came!"
the guy on the other side of the bed replys "wow i had that exact same dream!"
the guy in the middle then replys "aww my dream was crap, i dreamt i was skiiing"

[Takumi01]

a guy whos is down on his luck goes into a bar. He orders a drink and notices a jar of money on the edge of the bar. he askes the bartender "what is with this jar of money? the bartender replys "oh that you can win that jar" the man asks "how" well it is simple first you have to go over and knock out the bouncer in one hit. the man looks at the big bouncer "i'll just take another drink" he says. after a few mor drinks he asks what else he has to do the bartender replys "i have this rabbid dog in the back you have to take these plyers and pull it's abscessed tooth" the man decides to drink some more adn asks what the third thing he has to do is "well i have a 90year old grandmother up stairs who needs to be shown a little fun." the man orders another drink and gulps it down gets up knocks the bouncer out in one hit grabs the plyers and goes into the back room after a lot of yipping and yelping from the dog the man walks out and asks where's the grandmother with the abscessed tooth

[jinjin]

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Raikoh]

Okay, I got a few. The first few are completely chauvenistic, so if you are a woman (or sensitive towards women) *and* you don't have a sense of humor, I advise you to look elsewhere. :D

Q: Why does a bride were white?
A: So she matches the rest of the appliances.

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing--you already told her twice.

Q: Your dog is barking at the back door, your wife is yelling at the front door--who do you let in first?
A: The dog. At least he'll shut up when he gets inside.

Q: Why do women have shorter feet than men?
A: It's one of those genetic things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen counter.

Now for some racially orientated humor. Again, if you are easily offended, for the love of God look away! XD

Q: Why should you *never* trust a white man if you go to jail?
A: Easy--he's the only one who actually did it.

A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting at a deli, and the Jewish man gets up and punches the Chinese man right in the mouth.
"What was that for, jerkoff!?" Exclaims the rightfully angry Chinese man.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" Replies the Jewish man, equally angry.
"That was the *Japanese* you idiot!" Says the Chinese man as he stands upwards.
The Jewish man sits again and mumbles "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference..."
Some time passes, and the Chinese man looks at the Jewish man, stands up, and punches him in the back of the head.
"Ow! What the hell was that for!?" Exclaims the rightfully angry Jewish man.
"That was for sinking the Titanic!" Replies the equally-angry Chinese man.
"Titanic..? That was an iceberg, you idiot!" Says the confused Jewish man.
"Iceberg, Rosenberg... What's the difference?"

Now for some good old dirty humor.

A man goes into a diner, and orders the steak, the mashed potatos, and the soup.
The waitress comes back, her thumb inside the soup as she sets it down.
The man thinks for a moment, but decides not to say anything.
After a time, the waitress comes back and sets down the mashed potatos, again her thumb is inside of them. The man get a little angry, but he says nothing.
Finally, his steak arrives, and the waitress has her thumb neatly tucked underneath the steak. At this time, the man can't take it any more.
"Listen, lady. Every bit of food you brought me, you put your thumb into it. What the hell is your problem?"
The waitress, seemingly confused, simply states "oh, well my thumb is cold, so I've been trying to warm it up."
The man only gets more angry as he takes a bite of his steak. "Oh yeah? Well, why not shove your thumb up your ass?"
The waitress smiles and shakes her head. "I tried that--didn't work."

And one more for the road...

An OBGyn with a status of being a sex-hound ushers in his new patient to the examination room: A drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a sexy, well-toned body and a lovely face.
He moves up to her after she strips down, and he starts to fondle her breasts. The Doctor smiles and says "You know what I'm doing?"
The Blonde nods and says, "Checking my breasts for lumps and abnormalities."
"Yes, that's right," replies the doctor.
Eventually, he starts to get more horny, and he moves a hand down to her backside, grabbing a handful. "Know what I'm doing now?"
The Blonde nods again and says, "Checking my skin for abnormalities, right?"
The Doctor grins and nods, "Yes, that's right."
Eventually, he can't take it any more. He bends the Blonde over and starts to have sex with her. "Know what I'm doing now?"
In the same casual tone, the Blonde nods. "Yes--you're getting herpes."

Ahh... Humor. God's gift to man in order to prevent him from killing other men. ^_^

[Rrave]

MISS UNIVERSE INTERVIEW

MISS WORLD Questions

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a
woman..........................
(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or
Toro (Bull)
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening....
(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like
gossip or rumors.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth......
(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Iran: Because they like to enter through the back door.....
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms India: Because it works day and night......
(Applause! Applause! Applause!

Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton
car.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft............................
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! )

Question: Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu
(Afraid to lose).
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before
the show is over
(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)

[jinjin]

(JinJin) Reference: Men vs Women (http://www.laughingwolf.co.uk/jokes/sexist/menvswomen/menvswomen.htm)

Men Vs Women - A Study



A compiled edition from various sources

Women have many faults

Men only have 2

Everything they say

And everything they do

RELATIONSHIPS

First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX

Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HATS

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

COMEDY

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.

HANDWRITING

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GROCERIES

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out. When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

SHOES

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

LEG WARMERS

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

GARAGES

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."

JEWELRY

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

THE TELEPHONE

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

LOW BLOWS

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

DIRECTIONS:

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail... A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

NUDITY IN MOVIES

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

CAMERAS

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state- of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Insta-matics, and often produce better-looking shots.

POLITICS

Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys are growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

LOCKER ROOMS

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

CHEERLEADERS

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

GYM SOCKS

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

TOYS

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Peckerhead, Scumbag, and Louse.

[Karis Fra Mauro]

Two Israelis are discussing philosophy. One asks the other if he is an optimist or a pessimist. The other says, "I'm an optimist of course. I believe today will be better than tomorrow."

A reporter is interviewing President Assad of Syria after an election. "Mr. President, you've won with 99 percent of the vote. What more could you possibly ask for?" He responds, "The names and addresses of that 1 percent."

[aswardly]

Let me share one funny joke...

First, I must apologize to our fellow Americans for posting this...cause this might be rather humilliating for them..
For the sake of a good laugh, alow me to post this (well, now that you're reading this, i have posted it anyway)

Conversation between Bush and Condoleeza
=======================================
George Bush: "Condoleeza! Nice to see you. What's happening?"
Condoleeza Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China."
George: "Great. Lay it on me."
Condoleeza: "'Hu is the new leader of China."
George: "That's what I want to know."
Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you."
George: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "I mean the fellow's name."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The guy in China!"
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The new leader of China!!"
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The Chinaman!!!"
Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China."
George: "Now whaddya' asking me for?"
Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."
George: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"
Condoleeza: "That's the man's name."
George: "That's whose name?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East."
Condoleeza: "That's correct."
George: "Then who is in China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir is in China?"
Condoleeza: "No, sir."
George: "Then who is?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir?"
Condoleeza: "No, sir."
George: "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "No, thanks."
Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?"
George: "No."
Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi."
George: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "Milk! Will you please make the call?"
Condoleeza: "And call who?"
George: "Who is the guy at the U.N?"
Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China."
George: "Will you stay out of China?!"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi."
George: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone."

:lol: :lol: :lol: